A reflection before I grow.

As the year comes to an end, I find myself reflecting on my former self, as I often do when a new year is around the corner. This time, however, I came across some old blog posts from a different account I had forgotten about. An account so old, I hardly remember it. These blog posts date back to 2009-2010, during a time I was studying Journalism at my community college -a time where I enjoyed the arts and news (more on that later.)

At a glance, I noticed my writing. I recalled that in 2009 I often struggled with my writing, and it never flowed naturally. In my defense, I was still learning how to write like a journalist. I remember being so pleased with these new skills that forced me to summarize an entire story in the first sentence. I was so proud of myself for learning such an essential trait that would benefit me for the rest of my life. I still believe that this acquired skill benefited me as an undergraduate. Otherwise, all the case studies, and strategic analysis papers I wrote would be badly written.

To this day, I crave that natural flow to creative writing and expressing myself the way I want to be heard. I want my personality to present itself and shine through the written word. Therefore, I have promised myself to write more frequently in the new year, by way of blogging, essay writing, letters to myself, etc. This is a major challenge I take on with an incredible amount of joy, especially since finishing school in August, I feel more pressure to retain and gain more knowledge, and tell more stories.

More on how I plan to grow, organize, and challenge myself in 2017 in the next post... 

Inner guide.

I had a pretty interesting, life-changing interaction with an inner guide, spirit guide, guardian angel, inner wild woman, or subconscious mind - I haven't yet decided or figured out what it was, but it was an experience I won't forget. This took place after some emotions, confusion, and questions took over my mind for a few hours.

There's often a lot of pressure on women to be at a certain stage in their life by a specific age. I've always blocked these voices, even though they were constant. But over the weekend certain people kept asking me about marriage and kids. I always took people's concerns, opinions, questions, and worries about my choices with a grain of salt. But in the past two days, I heard these comments and they got to me immensely. For one, I don't have to explain myself to anyone. It's no ones business what I do with my life, as long as I'm a good person. Secondly, these concerns came up at least five times, and all by different people. After I thought about and put a lot of focus on why anyone would care to know about my choices, I realized that it's all insignificant. People's thoughts about me shouldn't affect my happiness and the way I choose to live. 

Back to my inner guide experience. Soon after contemplating, and questioning myself, something inside me gave me the greatest pep talk I've ever had! It was in my own voice -  with a little more attitude, spunk, and aggressiveness - and this inner voice basically put me in my place and told me to get over it, work on being stronger, and put my foot down. This wild woman (by wild, I mean strong, not dirty) inside provided so much relief, regathered thoughts and strength, and reminded me of who I really am. I gained so much from this experience, and I just provided a glimpse. 

It was amazing. I recommend digging deep every now and then. The only person that can really help you get back up and reevaluate is you and you alone.

Awareness.

When I was as young as five, I would often look in the mirror and ask "Who am I?" I didn't realize how deep and thought provoking this question was as such a young age, but I would continue to ask and wonder about it as I grew up. I would wonder who or what inside of me is making me aware of my reflection and thoughts. Who thinks my thoughts? Who makes decisions? Who is that physical image looking right back at me? It's not my physical being.

Fast forward 27 years later, and here I am asking myself that very question - Who am I? Well, it has been one of the most difficult questions for me to answer. But I can sit here and proudly say - I am me. I am not someone's sister, I am not someone's girlfriend, and I am not someone's daughter. While I do have a strong relationship and deep love for these people, my affiliation to them does not identify who I am as a person. I am simply me, and there is something deep within me that makes me aware of every aspect of my life, including interactions, environment, and love.

Many people go through life not asking themselves these questions, and I find it somewhat heartbreaking that many people don't spend time trying to get to know themselves and what it is that triggers their thoughts, actions, questions, and wonderment. I feel very strongly about asking yourself who you are deep within. I've pondered this for years. After a recent panic attack that struck me out of nowhere while I was sitting in my car, I asked myself how this could happen if everything was fine in my life. I had been anxious about certain things in my life, but not intense enough to trigger deep emotions. I now think back and settled on the idea that I was robbed of awareness for a short period. I don't encounter these panic attacks often. I've only experienced about three in my life. But in that short time of emotional distress, negative feelings, outbursts, and tears, I was robbed of something that is essential for my survival - awareness. I'm sitting here, and realizing this fact as I type. Everything I experienced in that episode was lacking some awareness and self-control that is always with me. It's something that left my side, and something I deeply rely on.

It is a beautiful thing to forget about all thoughts and worries for a moment to spend time thinking about who you are and what makes you, YOU. This - to me- is what consciousness feels like. Being fully aware of my inner being and being grateful is what it feels like to be awakened for a brief moment.

Overthinking

When it comes to problem solving, figuring out what to do, where to go, what to be, why something is the way it is, I often find myself overthinking and in a panic which sometimes prompts some intense digging with no clear answers. Not only has overthinking made decision-making much harder, it has led me to stress out, fear, and question a matter that should be incredibly simple.

Overthinking makes me lose focus on what's important, and it has also generated negative thoughts and emotions that result in fear of unknown outcomes. Overthinking is toxic to the mind. I know this because I experience it. However, I am human and while I am more at peace with myself than I have ever been, I still experience negative thoughts, emotions, panic, fear, and anxiety, in addition to other obstacles.

Yesterday, as I was putting a lot of thought into my future career, my heart started to race to a frightening state that saw no end. Instead of simply thinking about where it is I see myself in five years, I started to vividly plan out the details, which led to cluttered thoughts and immense panic. Eventually, I stopped myself and relaxed a bit. In this brief moment of relaxation, I remembered what has kept centered me in the past year - meditation. This life changing practice has not only reduced a lot of fear in me, it also centers me and it brings me back to a calm state. This has been the key to a lot of my worries.

Overthinking in meditation is also a real thing because it happens to me a lot. When I first started to meditate over a year, thinking too much while trying to relax is all I could do. I thought, "Wait shouldn't this be a relaxing state? Why am I overthinking this?" Meditation was frustrating. Over time, I learned to just let my thoughts wander, not fight them, and then they would depart on their own. A good example I encounter every day is this: when I drive, I often witness other cars cut me off. I get upset, say "what the fuck?" to myself, and a minute later, that angry feeling is gone. I don't hang on to this incident because I didn't overthink it, I didn't hold a grudge, and it shouldn't affect my day. This should apply to everything that troubles me.

Overthinking is an obsessive thought that only keeps me from finding a thoughtful solution.

Finding my truth.

It has been over three years since I last wrote in this blog. That was the old me, the one that went through some happy phases and then suddenly stopped to take on another project.

I'm almost 32. Saying that out loud makes me incredibly happy. I have overcome obstacles, battled with fears, and struggled with anxiety. Despite all that, I've made it to 32. That is pretty incredible. Typing it, which makes it even more real for me, puts me in a such a serene state of mind. I don't buy into the quarter-life, or mid-life crisis fears that people try to force on us. We all decide how we want to perceive ourselves. I look forward to growing old and those thoughts give me peace, because I do not fear old age. I understand the uncertainties that come with aging, but I also fully understand that I only have this one life to just let it go to waste.

In Fall, 2015, I met Professor H. who helped me change my perspective on myself, my environment, and my future, and also encouraged me to ask myself the difficult questions that would aid me in my growth. What is my purpose? What is my mission? What do I want? He was so simplified in his approach, but many of his students still found it difficult to ask these questions. Silence took over the room when Professor H. would shout "What is your purpose!?" Toward the end of the semester, some students (the uptight ones who stood by their complex and bitter views) were unchanged. A few of us found a whole new meaning to our lives. Life is simple he would say repeatedly.

Life is what we make it. This class made me question why I feared so much in my past. My fears and worries of others' opinion of me was so immense that I would completely shut down. I was led to believe that something was wrong with me because I shut down as a result of my fears. I had absolutely nothing to fear. It was all in my head. My fear has decreased by a large amount in the past year and I am happy to say that this major decrease has changed me. I try to meditate daily, and while I don't notice the results immediately, it has made a difference in my overall life in many ways. When I did my presentation for Professor H's class, I ended it by saying "I want to write a book and do a TED talk one day. I'm not exactly sure what the topic would be but I am going to work at it." The old me would never have had confidence to even consider pursing these goals.

I have reached a important point in my life that has given me great peace, truth, and authenticity. I am important, and I own that now. Working on myself is probably the most important project I've taken on thus far. I'm a project I will continue to work on till the day I die.

So to that I say, good work Marissa.

New year, new risks

Every year, we make resolutions. Every year, a large percentage of us don't keep them. I'm one of those. This time, I wanted to take on a different approach to keeping a list of resolutions.

- Set realistic goals: Nothing says unrealized goals like making a list of goals that may possibly take longer than year to accomplish. If buying a brand new car is on your list, make sure you at least have a savings set aside for the down payment.

- Do it for you: Small goals are still big goals. If you want to lower your coffee intake, don't make it public knowledge when you've gone two months without caffeine. You'll feel more accomplished if you keep it to yourself and not expect others to acknowledge your achievement.

Monthly tasks: After reading "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubon, I wanted to follow her system of taking on monthly tasks, but being specific about each one. If boosting your motivation level is something you want to focus on in January, think about the things that would do just that and focus on those aspects. If lack of sleep is affecting your energy and motivation, think of ways to tackle this problem. (e.g., getting more sleep, drinking more water, being more productive etc.)

Good luck! I'll be posting more often as I take on my goals!

Marissa

Inspiration all around.

Yesterday, as I was reading through a journal I keep of things that inspire me, I realized that these are things I'm surrounded with on a daily basis. My source of inspiration stems from many things I can see, feel, smell, touch and hear. Why limit myself?

For example - I often see inspiration just from observing the world around me. When I'm at work, I see the way a very nice lady looks a stranger in the eye and genuinely says thank you for holding the door open. I also get inspired to be a better person by watching people being rude, yelling, hitting their child in public and giving someone a dirty look. Inspiration doesn't have to come from a positive place. Seeing bad things has inspired me in positive ways that prevent me from acting inappropriately.

Being in love, the smell of fresh lemonade, a hug,  the sound of live music, a cheering crowd, a smiling baby, making jewelry, are all sources of inspiration to me.

Inspirations are limitless.

Be inspired!

Marissa