Awareness.

When I was as young as five, I would often look in the mirror and ask "Who am I?" I didn't realize how deep and thought provoking this question was as such a young age, but I would continue to ask and wonder about it as I grew up. I would wonder who or what inside of me is making me aware of my reflection and thoughts. Who thinks my thoughts? Who makes decisions? Who is that physical image looking right back at me? It's not my physical being.

Fast forward 27 years later, and here I am asking myself that very question - Who am I? Well, it has been one of the most difficult questions for me to answer. But I can sit here and proudly say - I am me. I am not someone's sister, I am not someone's girlfriend, and I am not someone's daughter. While I do have a strong relationship and deep love for these people, my affiliation to them does not identify who I am as a person. I am simply me, and there is something deep within me that makes me aware of every aspect of my life, including interactions, environment, and love.

Many people go through life not asking themselves these questions, and I find it somewhat heartbreaking that many people don't spend time trying to get to know themselves and what it is that triggers their thoughts, actions, questions, and wonderment. I feel very strongly about asking yourself who you are deep within. I've pondered this for years. After a recent panic attack that struck me out of nowhere while I was sitting in my car, I asked myself how this could happen if everything was fine in my life. I had been anxious about certain things in my life, but not intense enough to trigger deep emotions. I now think back and settled on the idea that I was robbed of awareness for a short period. I don't encounter these panic attacks often. I've only experienced about three in my life. But in that short time of emotional distress, negative feelings, outbursts, and tears, I was robbed of something that is essential for my survival - awareness. I'm sitting here, and realizing this fact as I type. Everything I experienced in that episode was lacking some awareness and self-control that is always with me. It's something that left my side, and something I deeply rely on.

It is a beautiful thing to forget about all thoughts and worries for a moment to spend time thinking about who you are and what makes you, YOU. This - to me- is what consciousness feels like. Being fully aware of my inner being and being grateful is what it feels like to be awakened for a brief moment.