Overthinking

When it comes to problem solving, figuring out what to do, where to go, what to be, why something is the way it is, I often find myself overthinking and in a panic which sometimes prompts some intense digging with no clear answers. Not only has overthinking made decision-making much harder, it has led me to stress out, fear, and question a matter that should be incredibly simple.

Overthinking makes me lose focus on what's important, and it has also generated negative thoughts and emotions that result in fear of unknown outcomes. Overthinking is toxic to the mind. I know this because I experience it. However, I am human and while I am more at peace with myself than I have ever been, I still experience negative thoughts, emotions, panic, fear, and anxiety, in addition to other obstacles.

Yesterday, as I was putting a lot of thought into my future career, my heart started to race to a frightening state that saw no end. Instead of simply thinking about where it is I see myself in five years, I started to vividly plan out the details, which led to cluttered thoughts and immense panic. Eventually, I stopped myself and relaxed a bit. In this brief moment of relaxation, I remembered what has kept centered me in the past year - meditation. This life changing practice has not only reduced a lot of fear in me, it also centers me and it brings me back to a calm state. This has been the key to a lot of my worries.

Overthinking in meditation is also a real thing because it happens to me a lot. When I first started to meditate over a year, thinking too much while trying to relax is all I could do. I thought, "Wait shouldn't this be a relaxing state? Why am I overthinking this?" Meditation was frustrating. Over time, I learned to just let my thoughts wander, not fight them, and then they would depart on their own. A good example I encounter every day is this: when I drive, I often witness other cars cut me off. I get upset, say "what the fuck?" to myself, and a minute later, that angry feeling is gone. I don't hang on to this incident because I didn't overthink it, I didn't hold a grudge, and it shouldn't affect my day. This should apply to everything that troubles me.

Overthinking is an obsessive thought that only keeps me from finding a thoughtful solution.

Finding my truth.

It has been over three years since I last wrote in this blog. That was the old me, the one that went through some happy phases and then suddenly stopped to take on another project.

I'm almost 32. Saying that out loud makes me incredibly happy. I have overcome obstacles, battled with fears, and struggled with anxiety. Despite all that, I've made it to 32. That is pretty incredible. Typing it, which makes it even more real for me, puts me in a such a serene state of mind. I don't buy into the quarter-life, or mid-life crisis fears that people try to force on us. We all decide how we want to perceive ourselves. I look forward to growing old and those thoughts give me peace, because I do not fear old age. I understand the uncertainties that come with aging, but I also fully understand that I only have this one life to just let it go to waste.

In Fall, 2015, I met Professor H. who helped me change my perspective on myself, my environment, and my future, and also encouraged me to ask myself the difficult questions that would aid me in my growth. What is my purpose? What is my mission? What do I want? He was so simplified in his approach, but many of his students still found it difficult to ask these questions. Silence took over the room when Professor H. would shout "What is your purpose!?" Toward the end of the semester, some students (the uptight ones who stood by their complex and bitter views) were unchanged. A few of us found a whole new meaning to our lives. Life is simple he would say repeatedly.

Life is what we make it. This class made me question why I feared so much in my past. My fears and worries of others' opinion of me was so immense that I would completely shut down. I was led to believe that something was wrong with me because I shut down as a result of my fears. I had absolutely nothing to fear. It was all in my head. My fear has decreased by a large amount in the past year and I am happy to say that this major decrease has changed me. I try to meditate daily, and while I don't notice the results immediately, it has made a difference in my overall life in many ways. When I did my presentation for Professor H's class, I ended it by saying "I want to write a book and do a TED talk one day. I'm not exactly sure what the topic would be but I am going to work at it." The old me would never have had confidence to even consider pursing these goals.

I have reached a important point in my life that has given me great peace, truth, and authenticity. I am important, and I own that now. Working on myself is probably the most important project I've taken on thus far. I'm a project I will continue to work on till the day I die.

So to that I say, good work Marissa.