Inner guide.

I had a pretty interesting, life-changing interaction with an inner guide, spirit guide, guardian angel, inner wild woman, or subconscious mind - I haven't yet decided or figured out what it was, but it was an experience I won't forget. This took place after some emotions, confusion, and questions took over my mind for a few hours.

There's often a lot of pressure on women to be at a certain stage in their life by a specific age. I've always blocked these voices, even though they were constant. But over the weekend certain people kept asking me about marriage and kids. I always took people's concerns, opinions, questions, and worries about my choices with a grain of salt. But in the past two days, I heard these comments and they got to me immensely. For one, I don't have to explain myself to anyone. It's no ones business what I do with my life, as long as I'm a good person. Secondly, these concerns came up at least five times, and all by different people. After I thought about and put a lot of focus on why anyone would care to know about my choices, I realized that it's all insignificant. People's thoughts about me shouldn't affect my happiness and the way I choose to live. 

Back to my inner guide experience. Soon after contemplating, and questioning myself, something inside me gave me the greatest pep talk I've ever had! It was in my own voice -  with a little more attitude, spunk, and aggressiveness - and this inner voice basically put me in my place and told me to get over it, work on being stronger, and put my foot down. This wild woman (by wild, I mean strong, not dirty) inside provided so much relief, regathered thoughts and strength, and reminded me of who I really am. I gained so much from this experience, and I just provided a glimpse. 

It was amazing. I recommend digging deep every now and then. The only person that can really help you get back up and reevaluate is you and you alone.

Awareness.

When I was as young as five, I would often look in the mirror and ask "Who am I?" I didn't realize how deep and thought provoking this question was as such a young age, but I would continue to ask and wonder about it as I grew up. I would wonder who or what inside of me is making me aware of my reflection and thoughts. Who thinks my thoughts? Who makes decisions? Who is that physical image looking right back at me? It's not my physical being.

Fast forward 27 years later, and here I am asking myself that very question - Who am I? Well, it has been one of the most difficult questions for me to answer. But I can sit here and proudly say - I am me. I am not someone's sister, I am not someone's girlfriend, and I am not someone's daughter. While I do have a strong relationship and deep love for these people, my affiliation to them does not identify who I am as a person. I am simply me, and there is something deep within me that makes me aware of every aspect of my life, including interactions, environment, and love.

Many people go through life not asking themselves these questions, and I find it somewhat heartbreaking that many people don't spend time trying to get to know themselves and what it is that triggers their thoughts, actions, questions, and wonderment. I feel very strongly about asking yourself who you are deep within. I've pondered this for years. After a recent panic attack that struck me out of nowhere while I was sitting in my car, I asked myself how this could happen if everything was fine in my life. I had been anxious about certain things in my life, but not intense enough to trigger deep emotions. I now think back and settled on the idea that I was robbed of awareness for a short period. I don't encounter these panic attacks often. I've only experienced about three in my life. But in that short time of emotional distress, negative feelings, outbursts, and tears, I was robbed of something that is essential for my survival - awareness. I'm sitting here, and realizing this fact as I type. Everything I experienced in that episode was lacking some awareness and self-control that is always with me. It's something that left my side, and something I deeply rely on.

It is a beautiful thing to forget about all thoughts and worries for a moment to spend time thinking about who you are and what makes you, YOU. This - to me- is what consciousness feels like. Being fully aware of my inner being and being grateful is what it feels like to be awakened for a brief moment.